It’s a well-known fact around the Vatican that Pope Benedict XVI is a huge fan of Easter - particularly hunting for treasures left by the Easter Bunny. However, the ailing pontiff’s eyesight has grown so poor that he’s unable to find small plastic eggs like he used to. This year, the Cardinals decided to treat the Pope by leaving one large chocolate egg in the middle of the Vatican courtyard. This morning at 7am local time, Cardinal Robert Zimmerman awoke his long-time best friend, yelling “Benny, come look! The Easter Bunny came!”. Benedict XVI finally found the large egg after about twenty minutes of searching and some assistance from an American couple that was passing through.
Phil Collins is trying to capitalize on the recent popularity of home fitness videos. The rock legend has just released a DVD espousing the virtues of cleansing your body through regular farting. During the 86 minute video, Phil talks viewers through a series of contortions designed to free trapped gas. The climax comes as the singer lies on his back, grabs his ankles, and farts loudly for the camera. ”In the Air Tonight” is available April 28th on DVD and is expected to be available for Netflix streaming near the end of August.
The Wisconsin Parochial School Association has created a bit of controversy this week when it announced that all of its schools would immediately cease teaching cursive handwriting to its young students. In a bold move, the Council of Virgin Elders voted unanimously to limit handwriting courses to block letters only. Sister Guadalupe Epstein of Her Immaculate Holiness Elementary School in Waukesha was quoted as saying, “The way one letter flows into the next is too provocative and suggestive. Who knows what despicable behaviors it could lead to.” Another member of the council pointed out that the word “cursive” might suggest to students that using bad language is okay.
Eight Maids a Milkin’
Singer Kelis, most famous for bringing all the boys to her yard with the hit song Milkshake, actually suffers from hypolactasia, more commonly known as lactose intolerance. As a result, every single milkshake made on the set of the 2003 Milkshake video was made with Lactaid® so that the diva would not be at risk of accidentally consuming a milkshake made with cow’s milk. After Milkshake reached the top of the Billboard Hot 100, Kelis took some time off and wrote a cookbook for fellow lactose intolerants called “Damn Right It’s Better Than Yours: Dairy-Free Versions of All Your Favorite Dishes”.
Drug giant GlaxoSmithKline has just released a “Pizza Patch” aimed at preventing overeating by marijuana users. The new therapy, similar in size and shape to the popular nicotine patch, contains a bizarre mixture of drugs specifically fine-tuned to reduce cravings for pizza. Some trial users of the new patch note that it also works on Mac ‘n’ Cheese and Doritos. The drug will be available over the counter in March under the brand name Stonerol™.
Lemon Laws
While neighborhood lemonade stands have been around for decades, long considered an outlet for entrepreneurial children, they are often in violation of several laws, including operating without a business license, lack of adherence to health codes, and failing to meet minimum age requirements set by child labor laws. Over the years there have been several historical cases of lemonade stands being shut down, with the most extreme case of this occurring in 2001 when eight-year old Susie Greene of Cedar Lake, Wisconsin, was subject to an undercover sting by local authorities. Posing as a thirsty cyclist and wearing a wiretap, Officer Kenneth Page of the Cedar Lake Police Department coerced a startled Susie into admitting that she was not licensed to operate in Barron County and had no proof of health department certification to ensure a sanitary operation. “Susie’s Lemonaid Stand” was promptly shut down, with Mr. and Mrs. Terrence Greene being cited for several violations of local laws, including “intentional misspelling of a word for marketing purposes”.
going postal
In 2004 the United States Postal Service launched a PR campaign focused on rebranding the term “going postal”, which had traditionally been associated with uncontrollable anger and workplace violence. A press release issues by USPS as part of the campaign stated “we envision a day when ‘going postal’ is associated with warm smiles, friendly mail delivery and top-notch customer service.”
Excuse Me While I Kiss This Guy?
It’s a little known fact that guitar legend Jimi Hendrix’s real first name is ‘Jimina’ – but even odder is the story behind the feminine sounding name. When Hendrix was born in November 1942, he suffered from a rare condition known as IPS, or Inverted Penis Syndrome. The attending delivery room physician who was unfamiliar with this condition declared to his mother at 11:14am that she had just given birth to a beautiful baby girl. Jimi’s mother Lucille then named the child after her great aunt Jimina Lancaster. It was only later that afternoon when the condition was diagnosed that doctors determined Jimi’s true gender. Recently released copies of Jimi Hendrix’s original birth certificate show that the gender field was in fact later modified.
kama sutures.
In December of 1972, Dr. Kameron Abraham Sutra, DDS, filed a lawsuit against Hearst Magazines when the popular women’s magazine Cosmopolitan launched a resurgence of the Kama Sutra, leading confused housewives to repeatedly mistake his Bakersfield, California dental practice for a sex clinic.
In 1973, The American Girl Scouts briefly came under fire from the National Coalition on Racism, the same group that would later go on to decry the use of racially provocative sports team mascots, including those of the Washington Redskins and Kansas City Chiefs. At the heart of the coalition’s accusations was the contention that the Girl Scouts were discriminating against Caucasian youth when they created the organization for 7 to 10 year-old girls, known as the “Brownies”. As it turned out, the entire matter was a misunderstanding and all disparaging comments were retracted after it became apparent that the Girl Scouts did not deny entry to anyone based on skin color. A spokesperson for the Scouts was later quoted as saying, “I got 99 problems, but a witch hunt ain’t one.”
